Happy New Year!

1st of all, I will start by saying that I agree that it has been quite sometime since I last made an attempt to update Carson's Blog.  That being said and affirmed, the phone calls, letters, and e-mails can now end.  It is my intention to keep the Mis-Adventures updated, and in fact it has made the #6 spot on my New Years Resolution list, which has at this time a total of eleven items that I will resolve to overcome, overpower, over-compensate for, overcook, and/or over-dramatize.

1. Lose weight/get into shape.  Of course this would be the ever present 70-80 lbs. that have become the perennial #1 on this list.  2009 will be it's last appearance, it is time to retire the cankles ( n. An aesthetically unfortunate physiological condition which leave its victims with no discernible narrowing of the ankle between the calf and the foot.  History:  The word is derived from the combination of the words calf and ankle.  Victims of this condition are advised to avoid the following:  ankle boots, ankle strap shoes, anklets, ankle socks, ankle tattoos, high-top shoes, and any other footwear or leg wear that might draw attention to the cankle region) and man-boobs (n. what guys get when the eat to many apple fritters) and get myself in some sort of shape other than pear like.  The usual malnutrition tactics and the occasional brush against a weight bench or "stair-bastard" aside, I haven't decided on a concise plan of attack.  The idea of joining a local boxing club has been in the back of my mind.   The notion of beating the hell out of someone because I can no longer satisfy my Big Mac addiction is quite appealing. * Reality check for a moment...I will most likely be the one getting the hell beaten out of, too which my recourse will most likely be crying into a soon to be empty Big Mac box.  Damn those all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun, damn them to HELL!
2. Get more rest.  I know this seems like something that is a slam dunk.  How hard can it be to get yourself to go to bed earlier?  In all honesty I would say that kicking my heroin addiction ( #8 on the list back in 95') was easier.  There just doesn't ever seem to be enough time in the day to waste.  Some theorize that this may tie into the the success of this years #1 resolution.
3. Eat Healthier.  This will be problematic, and has made it to #1 on my list of Abandoned Resolutions for 2009.
4. Personally Apologize to every "Rapper", "Hip Hooper", "O.G.", and all other self proclaimed artists that advertises themselves as a daddy, a form of currency, an inquisitive canine, an adverb, a pronoun, or phonetically spelled nuisance for failing to recognize them as Talented.  I'm certain that my dog can discharge more talent in her morning bathroom break then these idots have mustered in any of the faux gold/platinum records.  Peace!
5. Never put off what can be done today until tomorrow.
6. Keep Blog updated.  What a chore this can be.  I must remember my intended purpose of this project.  A quasi dairy that I and others can look back at in the years to come and in most cases laugh at and not laugh with my mis-adventures.  It also gives me a place to use words that I would never endeavor using in an actual conversation.  Quasi, problematic, or concise just don't find a lot of work around my day to day conversations.
7. Be grateful for what I have.  My brother-in-law, residing deep in the heart of Texas, says it so simply in one way or another, he is truly blessed and sincerely believes it...and he is married to my sister!  All kidding aside, from time to time I catch myself day dreaming about this very thing.  Of all the paths in life I could have followed, the one that I have chosen has lead me to such a wonderful life, at times I fill guilty for how fortunate I really am.  Ricky Bobby said it best in his prayer at the dinner table in Talladega Nights,"dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors.  I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.  Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the South call you: 'Jee-suz'.  We thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell.  I just wanted to take time to say thank you for my family:  my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him.  And of course my red hot smokin' wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox..." anyway, you get the picture, I am very blessed, and need to remember that.
8. Take my shoes off in the garage.  My red hot smokin' wife Nancy, who is a stone cold fox is obsessed with ensuring that the entry way to our blessed home is kept dirt granular free.   In the past I have dismissed this as some-type of OCD.  But trying to hide the fact that both myself and Larri ran around with our dirty shoes on I realized just how much of a mess can be made.  Sorry sweetie, I will now leave my dirty nasty shoes in the icy cold garage.
9. Take my job seriously.  Lets face it, I am way 
   overpaid for what I do...not necessary for what I am supposed to do.  I have taken a few strides in trying to make my work more interesting to me; I'm teaching a 2 credit course at UAA this semester on sanitation, I took a course on pollen and fungal spore identification at the University of Massachusetts in November, and I plan on becoming certified by N.E.H.A as a Food Safety Professional.  3 years of government work has final caused me enough guilt to make an effort to redeem my sense of self-worth and desire to do something with my life.  And you know my job is somewhat important, I think, and should be done with some level of professionalism.
10. Read.  I am embarrassed by the amount of books that I own and have not read.  At some point they must have interested me, why else would I have bought them.  I want to have read half of them by this time next year.
11. I admit it, I am a addict.  I love it's harsh effervescent tang and the nail biting suspense of the effects of aspartame to the human body help me maintain my "bad ass" image.  I will limit my consumption to 2 a week.  One on Wednesday night and the other on Sunday night.

                             

        

So this is the blueprint for the Year 2009.  If I am successful, you should be kept well aware of my progress.  However in the event that #6 begins to waver, I would encourage you to pester me on my progress. 

Our best to you all, have a Happy and Safe New Year!